The unexpected

On Monday, one of the teenagers who attends my church took her own life.

I didn't know her, and though I know who her parents are, I don't know them well. I can't even begin to imagine their grief and confusion. I know there are lots of people who are really from this. I don't know that you ever expect suicide (because then, wouldn't you be doing something about it), but when it's someone who everyone says to have been happy, healthy, and well-adjusted, it just seems that the questions are unending.

I'm thinking a lot of Doug's death, almost two years ago now, and watching Nick and Heather walk through that. And mostly, I just find myself thinking about it, with no way to put into words my thoughts or feelings.

Mostly I think it's so overwhelming because I can't imagine ever being at that place, that place where you literally feel like there are no more options, where the fear of death and dying is less than the fear of living. Is that mental illness? Is it spiritual?

I don't know.